Illustration by Edward Jackson
Foul Mouth Freddy Scours the ****ing Town
Part one of a three-part linked scenario written by me with additional content by Craig Andrews
Not content with sitting on his a** during a total camp quarantine, the erstwhile anti-hero Foul Mouth Freddy decides to head into the local town of Burrow Port for a night of drinking and debauchery.
Will he find what he has lost and make it back to camp in time for roll call?
For nearly ten bl**dy days the bl**dy camp had been bl**dy quarantined, no one in and no one out. B***dy Bunny Flu had sent everyone into a frenzy. It was like Rabbit Flu but with smaller and more irritating leaps. The officers were snugly ensconced in the only stone building in the camp with, according to the logs, no one but each other for company. The twelve Catalonian Dark Elf ‘seamstresses’ who had come into the camp just before the quarantine had seemingly vanished and were not, again according to the logs, also in the only stone building in the camp. B******s! The bl***y foot soldiers were bored, so bored that they had even given up cheating each other at dice and cards. Foul Mouth Freddy was going stir crazy, not only was he bored ****less but he had no beer, no wine and no hooch to call his own. The brandy cask he’d been saving for just such an occasion had been bl**dy commandeered by the bl**dy officers and was no doubt helping ‘loosen up’ the senoritas who weren’t there. S**t! Well, bugger this, tonight Freddy was going off camp to the in-land slum of Burrow Port to get well and truly ****ing ‘bladdered’ on cheap ****ing ale and fiery brandy. Freddy needed a plan…
Pickets had been set around the encampment and had been ordered to shoot anyone trying to get out (or in for that matter). However, all that changed when a mounted messenger charged in with orders from the Catatonic Cardinal, His Holiness Jose Marianjo. Since then other troopers had been riding in and out on a regular basis. Most of the billeted Orcs in camp thought the quarantine was going to be lifted. Freddy knew there was no bl**dy chance. The surgeons wanted to be sure, and needed a full week with no new outbreaks of hopping. But some of the ****ing idiots in the 62nd had only yesterday leapt up with the feigned disease as it was their turn on the latrines. All the red coats in the camp now had at least seven days to go all because the South S***ing Mordor wanted a few days light duties. B******s!
As the sun set, Freddy hatched a cunning plan: nick the regimental coronet, an old Elven Busby pinned to the regimental standard, steal a horse and gallop out impersonating a Papal Messenger. He’d be in Burrow Port by midnight, ****ing ****ed as a slippery eel by two and still have time to nip into the Goblin Pleasure Palace before heading back to camp for roll call in the morning.
Stealing the Busby was easy enough, and Freddy took the first horse he found in the stables. Within minutes he was saluting the pickets and riding West at full gallop, the Elven Busby pulled down low so no one could recognise him. The journey proved uneventful due to his horse’s speed and soon he was jumping down and looking to have his first jug of ale. He quickly hid the Busby in a hayloft and allowed the horse to munch its way through some discarded hay. As he drank deeply of his first tankard he had a nagging thought that the horse really had been a beauty, fast too, but that thought quickly drowned in the full bodied ale of Burrow Port.
For those readers of a more delicate disposition, I will draw a veil over the next few hours and even those of you with a more active and debauched imagination will only be just scratching the surface as to what really went on. The only restraint shown by our erstwhile antihero was directly related to the number of coins he had managed to steal and cheat from his fellow soldiers back at camp and a couple of gullible Dwarves he met early on in the night’s activities.
The morning sun rose over Burrow Port to find Freddy laying face down in a street sewer, ears full of drumming, his head full of flashing stars and his crotch full of lice itching more than poison ****ing ivy. As he looked up at the rising sun he realised that he would have to make ****ing good time to get back to camp before roll call! As his somewhat addled mind became clearer he saw he had no Busby, no horse and very little recollection of where he had hidden them. With a suddenness similar to horse s**t hitting the ground he realised he had seen that beautiful mount before – it was the colonel’s personal mount, Sheer Guard, the most prized (and expensive) mount in all of Algarvey! S**t!
Foul Mouth Freddy has to get back to camp before noon roll call by whatever means, or he is going to be in very serious trouble. Now the choices before him are a bit mixed. Before leaving town he can try to find the Busby and/or Sheer Guard. He can always pinch another horse instead, but the Busby is his passport back through the pickets without losing his ****ing stripes (again). However, if he does use another horse and the colonel finds out that Freddy was responsible for his favourite equine going missing – a good horse whipping would be the least of his worries.
Any loot Freddy may find, (when I say find, I mean pick up – well when I say pick up I actually mean, pinch) along the way may even help him bribe the pickets on the way back into camp. They do like a nice bit of loot or a bottle or two of the local rotgut brandy!
So the campaign breaks down into three scenarios:
1. Foul Mouth Freddy Scours the ****ing Town – In which Freddy searches the town of Burrow Port looking for loot, an Elven hat and a prize horse.2. Foul Mouth Freddy Speeds through the ****ing Forest – In which Freddy must race across the countryside on horseback past some local bandits and the ever vigilante Provosts.3. Fouls Mouth Freddy Sneaks into the ****ing Camp – In which Freddy must enter the quarantined camp, return the items he took and get to his tent before roll call at 12 Noon.
Veteran Orc Sergeant.
Freddy starts the scenario unarmed as he didn’t think to bring his musket out boozing with him.
Skill: Loud and Foul Mouth – Freddy has a coarse tongue and uses it often and well, In melee all mortal enemies suffer a -2 to their melee roll when fighting him. Undead are however unaffected.
Trait: Daisy Roots – Due to the size of his large previously-owned-by-an-Ogre boots Freddy gets +1 Impact when he wins in melee.
Flaw: Sauce – As per Flintloque 3rd Edition Rules.
Bottle (Small Improvised Weapon)
Dwarf MkII Musket (Unloaded at start of melee)
Skill: Rapport: Hans Prevail
Trait: Short Leg Jig (DITS p. 54)
Flaw: Bier Tap Blitz (DITS p. 54)
Bier Keg (Large Improvised Weapon)
Skill: Rapport: Rolf Herr Strict
Trait: Brutal Beast (DITS p.55)
Experienced Dark Elf
Skill: Rapier Fast
Experienced Dark Elf
This code is limited to only 250 packs before the master and molds are destroyed. Supplied with numbered insert containing optional rules and uniform guide. This ninth code in the Very Limited Edition range is, like the others, limited to 250 numbered packs only.
Roll call takes place 30 turns after the campaign begins so be sure to keep track of how many turns go by in each scenario.
Notes on Playing these Scenarios
Despite the detail included in the scenarios below each one takes about an hour to play through. Don’t forget that Freddy is against the clock to get back to camp, some tough decisions must be made. He will not get all the loot, he will not defeat all the bandits, he may not even get a chance to put everything back as it should be. The scenarios play well solitaire or with someone controlling the forces against dear old Freddy. There should be enough time in any one gaming session to play each scenario twice with players swapping control of Freddy. As with any of Freddy’s tales of adventure the re-telling of each tale washed down with rotgut brandy by a roaring fire leads to different endings. Who knows if the one you control Freddy for is the real story or just a variation on the original?
Part the Firste: Foul Mouth Freddy Scours the ****ing Town
Freddy has to search the town of Burrow Port trying to find both the Busby and the prize horse Sheer Guard and some trinkets and beverages to help ease his passage back into camp wouldn’t go a miss either.
Unbeknownst to Freddy, the Busby was actually picked up by some street urchins, who then sold it to a cross-dressing Todoroni who regularly appears on the stage in Burrow Port. The Todoroni’s wardrobe (including the Busby in question) is being guarded by a huge and dumb witted Ogre, with an IQ even lower than his vocabulary (and if you knew how few words he could actually speak you would realise just how low this is).
Not having been tied up well (or in fact, at all) Sheer Guard did not long remain in the barn he had been left in and during the course of the night has been acquired by a couple of shady Dark Elf horse traders who are even now getting ready to move South with their prize.
Foul Mouth Freddy
Map and Setup
The town of Burrow Port is not that large and to represent it for this scenario you need ten buildings laid out on your gaming table. You can roll randomly for placement if you wish but I suggest laying them out in such a way that the town looks believable. Maybe have a well in the centre in a small square, a church nearby if you have it. One edge of the table is the docks and can be laid out as such if you have the scenery, maybe even with a boat in port.
Freddy starts in a randomly determined street and is the only miniature on the table at the start of the scenario.
Freddy has to get back to camp; he can leave the town of Burrow Port at any time he is in the streets and not being pursued by anyone. However, if he is to make it back successfully he’s going to need some loot and booze to bribe people along the way not to mention Sheer Guard and the Busby if he doesn’t want things to get difficult later on.
The game ends when Freddy decides to leave the town of Burrow Port. He can do this at any time he is in the streets and not being pursued.
As is common in small towns such as Burrow Port all the buildings are unlocked. Each turn he starts on the streets with no active enemy models within Double March range, Freddy can move to any building he wishes. Simply place him outside the building he wishes to enter and roll on the Random Street Encounters table below. If there are any figures on the table in pursuit when this happens they are held off table in reserve in case a Hot Pursuit result is rolled.
Random Street Encounters (1D10)
1-3. Urchins – Freddy stumbles across a group of local Urchins. Roll 1D10. On a roll of 1-2 they manage to distract Freddy and take a randomly determined item (weapons, loot or even the busby) that he is carrying. On a roll of 3-8 they call him some less than flattering names and scatter away into the streets. On a roll of 9 or 10 Freddy manages to persuade the ****ing little b******s that helping him is beneficial to their health and they tell him about one of the unexplored buildings. Roll for a randomly selected unexplored building as if Freddy had entered it (as per the scenario rules below). After this he enters the building he chooses. This takes 1 game turn and should be marked down on the roster.
4-6. The streets are deserted, he enters the building he chose. This takes 1 game turn and should be marked down on the roster.
7-9. Hot Pursuit – Any individual or group which has survived Freddy leaving their building is placed within Quick March range of him on the streets and a scuffle ensues. Choose one randomly if more than one has been discovered (this will make more sense after you read the entering a building rules below). No turns are marked down for his move but combat begins immediately on the streets. Freddy can, if he wishes, still enter the building he moved to but any chance of sneaking is gone. Any pursuers’ will follow him into the building adding to the mayhem.
10. Roll twice again on this table.
As mentioned Freddy can escape Hot Pursuit by making sure at the end of the turn he is more than Double March distance (using his pursuer’s statistics) away from any enemy and not in line of sight.
Entering a Building
When Freddy enters a building, roll 1D10 and consult the table below to determine what’s inside. If you roll a number you’ve rolled before simply roll again. When a scuffle is indicated you can either play inside the building if your scenery is to scale and has removable roofs, or alternatively using floorplans or tiles on a separate part of your gaming table.
1-5. Someone’s house – Whilst not finding the Busby or dear old Sheer Guard, Freddy has never been one to let a good opportunity go to waste and may search the house for loot.
The Loot Table (Roll 1D10)
1-3 – He finds a Small Trinket.
4-6 – He finds a Bottle of Rotgut Brandy.
7-8 – He finds a Family Heirloom – Roll 1D10: 1-3 Worth 2 Trinkets, 4-6 Worth 4 Trinkets, 7-8 Worth 6 Trinkets. 9-10 Worth 8 Trinkets.
9 – A weapon! Roll 1 D10, on a 1-8 he finds a Standard Pistol or on a 9-10 he finds an Exquisite Sword.
10 – Roll twice again on this table.
Mark down what Freddy finds on his roster sheet, the amount of loot he finds will greatly affect his chances of victory later in the campaign!
When searching for loot there is a chance he will wake up the owner of the house. Roll 1D10, on a roll of 8 or more the owner of the house wakes up. For every item of loot Freddy is carrying add +1 to this roll to represent the jangling of his overflowing pockets. If the owner wakes up then use the example section rosters in Flintloque: War in Catalucia (WIC), Flintloque: Death in the Snow (DITS) or Flintloque: Bier and Bones (B&B) to determine the owner’s statistics (e.g. I’m using WIC, there are 6 example sections. I roll 1D6 and get a 3, the 3rd example section is Orcs, there are 10 Orcs in this section so I roll a D10, I get a 2 so the owner of the house is ‘Arry Grimm, an Experienced Orc.) The owner is put in play 1D10 cms away from Freddy and rolls for activation as normal next turn.
6. The Bar – Freddy has stumbled into one of the drinking establishments of Burrow Port. Freddy must roll for Temptation as per the rules found in Alternative Armies 2nd Distractions and Asides supplement which can be found in the files section of The Notables Yahoo Group and also under the Flintloque section of Orcs in the Webbe. He can, if he so wishes, swap any two Small Trinkets he has on him for a bottle of Rotgut Brandy. Freddy reckons the Family Heirlooms are too well known within the small town to be swapped (but might be very useful later on for bribes).
7. The Disgruntled Dwarves – Freddy has burst in on the two irate Dwarves he swindled last night. They have been up all night busily drinking and planning what they would do if they bumped into Freddy again. And now they have…
Rolf Herr Strict
Both Dwarves start the game suffering the effects of last night’s drinking, to represent this you should roll on the tipple table found on Distractions & Asides 2: The Demon Drinke available from the files section of The Notables Yahoo Group and also under the Flintloque section of Orcs in the Webbe.
If playing Solo then use the Aggressive column of the Solo Aggression Table for the Dwarves. Freddy can fight them or, being faster than your average Dwarf, can run away. If he manages to defeat the Dwarves he can take any of their weapons he wants and also roll twice on the loot table above.
8. The Goblin Pleasure Palace – Freddy has stumbled back into one of his stops from last night. Due to his popularity with the ‘ladies’ (and not just because of the size of his purse) he is immediately surrounded by 1D4 ‘ladies’ wanting a repeat performance. Each ‘lady’ attaches themselves to Freddy reducing his movement by 1 right column shift to a minimum of Half Step. A ‘lady’ can only be removed from Freddy in one of three ways; firstly they can be bribed off with a trinket or heirloom (note that it’s 1 heirloom per ‘lady’ regardless of its value, or hers for that matter). Secondly a ‘lady’ will leave in fright after Freddy takes part in a round of melee combat with any enemy character, for that round he is at -2 per ‘lady’ attached as he defends their ‘honour’. Thirdly, Freddy can take up the challenge… Roll two D10s, one for the ‘lady’s’ expectations and one for Freddy’s ‘actions’. If Freddy’s actions are higher than the ‘ladies’ expectations she leaves him be, sated for a little while. It takes one full movement turn for this action. And ever being the gent, Freddy can attempt this on up to two ‘ladies’ per turn.
9. The Busby – The Busby is in the possession of Lula Bella De Cotti, the famed cross dressing Todoroni singer. Lula is fast asleep not having to be on stage until the evening. However, Dirg, Hir* Ogre bodyguard (and rumoured special friend) is very very awake and not at all happy about being confronted in the early hours of the morning by a uniformed Orc who smells like a Krautian Bier Festival’s latrine at closing time. The Busby is on the far side of the room past Lurg, it is a special action to pick up and stow the Busby.
*Hir being the gender neutral pronoun for people such as Lula.
If playing solo, Dirg will attempt to move into melee with Freddy every turn and will pursue him into the streets if Freddy goes for the snatch and grab.
10. Sheer Guard – Freddy has found the Dark Elf horse traders’ hideout! The room should be laid out as a stables (bales of hay, horse’s enclosures, etc). There are four horses as well as Sheer Guard stabled here. There is also a pitchfork (+2 in Melee) next to the door Freddy enters by. The Dark Elves, celebrating their find, also partook of a drink or two last night and as such they start the scenario asleep. Freddy can attempt to sneak past the sleeping traders. He may move at no faster than Half Step and each turn must roll to see if the Dark Elves wake up. Roll 1D10 in the Initiative Phase, the Elves wake up on a result of 10 or more. If Freddy has any ladies in tow they add +2 each to the roll. Also, each turn Freddy’s alcohol drenched form remains in the stable the smell gets worse and worse causing the horses to become agitated, making more noise and adding a cumulative modifier of +2 to the die roll every turn. Once awake the Elves can move and fight as normal. You should roll for the after effects of the Demon Drinke for them as per the rules mentioned above.
If playing Solo then use the Defensive column of the Solo Aggression Table for the Dark Elves once awake. Freddy can either dispatch the Elves first or make a run for Sheer Guard. It takes Freddy 10cm of movement to mount Sheer Guard and he must fight at a -2 penalty if attacked in melee that turn. If he escapes from the stables without killing the Elves they will mount up and then pursue him and may show up on the Hot Pursuit result of the Random Street Encounters table from now on.
Miniatures for your Collection
VLE09 Foul Mouth Freddy
Foul Mouth Freddy is currently available now from Alternative Armies webstore.
This article was originally published on Alternative Armies’ content portal, Barking Irons, and later Orcs in the Webbe, where you can find more adventures for Foul Mouth Freddy, for details go to this link.
I will post part two Foul Mouth Freddy Speed through the ****ing Forest and part three Foul Mouth Freddy Sneaks past the ****ing Guards later this month.